How NOT to commit suicide

Before people start worrying about the fact that I'm becoming increasingly depressed, let me assure you that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

NOTE – This piece in no way is intended to undermine anyone’s problems or to insult anyone. It is just my take on different commonly known suicide methods. I wish everyone good health and good life.

Suicide is a serious, well thought out step taken as a means to a resolution and I believe that 'to each his own' - it’s a person's life and he/she would know best what to do with it.

The inspiration for this post came from my friend Niks' comment  - "PJ, I suggest you try committing suicide by jumping off the ground floor." And I was thinking, how can I die if I jump from the ground floor...at max I might twist an arm or a leg. Then I realized that if someone's actually planning to go all out, I guess some basic precautions are necessary so as to make sure you don't get just broken bones and then an arrest warrant against you (Suicide is a punishable crime).

10. Wrist Cutting - Its actually one of the most commonly used method (purely based on my knowledge of literature, movies and news clippings). So the idea here is - people who can't stand the sight of blood shouldn't really try this out. Imagine trying to cut your wrists and then at the sight of the first blood splatter you pass out and actually end up NOT dying. Well, you are looking at mad parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/children or even worse, police. Plus you might have done some damage to your wrist tendons and you won't be able to tweet or update Facebook status again with that hand. So watch some blood and gore movies and maybe you'll just drop the idea.

9. Drowning - This is an easy one, quite a lot of people don't know how to swim. All you need to do is to take a ferry from point A to point B, and jump off in the middle of the river/lake. But just let me tell you, try holding your breath and count to 45, you'll feel a burning sensation in your neck and lungs. And in 3 minutes, your brain cells will start deciding how best to survive the oxygen depletion and will start sacrificing the not so essential cells to save the essential ones. Means first you'll lose motor capacity (movement), then eyesight, then hearing and taste and lastly cardiac functioning. Now, make very sure if you are planning to drown then please do drown, if someone saves you after you've been submerged long enough to have such damage happen to your brain cells, you might turn into vegetative stage and well, that wouldn't really solve your problems of leaving the world, in fact now you won't even have the power to choose your path. So instead of drowning in water, I'd suggest try drowning in sweat. Take up boxing, beat the hell out of the sand bag and tell me how you feel after that.

8. Vehicle Impact (Jumping in front of a speeding car, train or any other thing that is big, moves and has kinetic energy that can break you into two) - Now this is a pretty painless and quick method if the vehicle you've chosen is hurtling down fast. You'll be gone in less than 10 seconds and its all good. But again, if the vehicle slows down, and assuming it is a car and the first two tires have run over you and your internal organs are out on the road and you're not dead...you're going to be in a LOT of pain. And secondly even if you manage to die, you'll be lying half opened up on the street, your brains will look like a red-grey mixture and dogs would be licking it. Your nice shirt or that nice top would be blood stained and someone might try to steal your wallet, purse or mobile phone. And all this your departing soul would see. BAD idea! I'd suggest taking the car out for a spin and go for a long drive, if you don't have the car just get a bicycle and pedal away to glory. Its great cardio too.

7. Electrocution - Not many people do this, but then hey...you want to end it all. So you can do this, douse yourself with water (increase conductance) and just yank the power cord off the iron-press and POW…you get the jolt of your life. But guess what, you might end up paralyzed (you know how power fluctuates often), plus with burns also and a permanent speech problem. Do you really think its worth all that? Just chuck this idea out, it’s useless...and iron that shirt lying in the corner. Now!

6. Jump out of a high-rise building - This is probably the most common way to die. But choose the floor properly, based on your own body type and strength. If a John Abraham or a Kris Gethin jumps from even 3rd floor, chances are they won't die, just get broken bones and tendons. From Wikipedia directly - "This method, in most cases, results in severe consequences if the attempt fails, such as paralysis, organ damage, and bone fractures." A better way would to survey the city from a height and who knows the fresh air up at that height might clear up your head a bit?

5. Blowing your head off with a gun - A little difficult in India. You need to do lots of paperwork before you can get a licensed gun. And as for the country made 'Katta', you can't be really sure that it'll actually do what it was intended to. But trust me, nothing like blowing heads off enemies in Counter Strike or even better head to your local gaming parlor and try Rambo on  a Sega machine - the gun feels real and has recoil too!

4. Hanging - I'm particularly not fond of hanging as it’s a degrading way to die. Your eyes will bulge out, neck will snap and you'll not even be able to give out one last death cry (your larynx is broken). Plus you might just end up hurting yourself on the head if you weigh slightly on the heavy side or the fan hook is loose. The fan will fall on your head and you'll become a laughing stock when people will come to know how you got that bandage on your head. Relax, take a deep breath and fold the bed sheet you just took out for hanging yourself.

3. Poisoning (Includes everything under the sun from Ratkill to Cyanide to Arsenic to Pesticide) - Poisoning is a way to go for if you really hate yourself, as you'll turn blue (due to blood circulation slowing down), and your internal organs will start getting emulsified (kind of melting/dissolving stuff - think of a butter stick melting on a hot plate). So a better way would be to prepare a nice grand meal (cooking once in a while is therapeutic) and then talking to a loved one. Problem solved.

2. Self Immolation - Setting yourself to fire is a very, very painful way to go. It'll burn you through the layer of skin, fat, muscle, internal organs and finally to the bone. And all through this, you'll be dying inch by inch. Plus self immolation is considered not just an end, but rather a very strong symbolism.  So unless you are impervious to pain and are absolutely dead sure that nothing can really solve your problems, don’t do it.

1.  Creating Traps for yourself and then sitting in them – If you are one of those who like psycho serial killer movies like Saw series, I’m sure you must have thought about making a weird contraption for yourself and then sitting in it. But hey, if you could really something so mechanically intricate and totally cool, why not make things professionally and start a new business. You are your own boss and you’ll never think of quitting.

Bonus Feature – Watch mindless iconic movies like Prabhuji Mithunda’s Gunda, Diya aur Toofan, Chingari, Chandaal and Yamraaj back to back. You will either go insane or even worse, you’ll end up like me – yes, you will LIKE those movies and then write such utterly useless blogs.

P.S. And yes, there's actually a complete book on how to get it right. The Complete Manual of Suicide